Once Broken Read online

  One of her aunts told her what would happen next. She couldn’t go to school for the week. Neither could she participate in the services, the wake, or the funeral. She had to stay at her best friend Janice Wheaton’s house. Her brother Paul, five years old, would spend the week with Mrs. Sullivan’s family. Jackie loved Janice and her family but she wanted to stay home. She wanted more than anything to sit on her father’s lap, melt into his breathing pattern, and feel the world was safe again.

  In the early days after Ed’s death, there was a lot of crying and panic in the Martin family. But Jackie didn’t cry like everyone else. She was angry. Lucille was advised to sell Ed’s welding business. Jackie was relieved when she overheard that the family didn’t have to move because there was mortgage insurance. All Jackie wanted was for life to return to normal. But everything was different. People looked at her in a strange way. Friends and other kids at school felt sorry for her. And the ache in her heart was agonizing.

  The Martin family didn’t discuss the tragedy. No one knew the words to use. The only certainty was that the family was shattered. Dinnertime was silent. Jackie stared out the window, desperately hoping that her father’s red Rambler would pull into the driveway, ending this nightmare. Instead, in the driveway sat her mother’s navy-blue ’64 Ford Falcon.

  Lucille was devastated, emotionally and financially ill-equipped to handle a tragedy of this magnitude. As a young girl she was promised, in all the unspoken ways we all learn the rules, that good girls marry the men of their dreams and live happily ever after. Yet in the blink of an eye, she became a tortured thirty-nine-year-old widow with three dependent children. She lacked marketable skills, sufficient resources, and emotional buffers that were required to carry such a heavy burden. A family friend owned a local diner and asked Lucille if she wanted to waitress there. She accepted.

  As her mother made adjustments, Jackie grew angrier because she had never been given the opportunity to say good-bye. Not understanding death, she internalized that her father left her. They told him after his first heart attack that he needed to lose weight and stop smoking. If he loved us, he would have done those things. So, she concluded, he chose to leave her.

  Jackie was brokenhearted and needed someone to help her come to terms with her crushing loss. At her parochial school, she and her classmates attended first Friday mass each month. Classmates told her about her father’s funeral mass because they had attended as a class. Jackie sat in church reconstructing the stories she’d been told. Finally, for the first time, she cried.

  She was startled when a nun tapped her shoulder telling her to see Mother Superior. While she walked the block from the church to the school, she hoped Sister Anna might help her. She knocked on Mother Superior’s door and was told to enter. Sister Anna asked her what the problem was. Astonished that she had to explain, she responded, “I’m sad because my dad died.” Sister Anna scolded Jackie, telling her that she had no right to cry because God needed her father more than she did. Jackie’s anger exploded exponentially. In her ten-year-old mind, she reconciled that she was abandoned and no one cared, not even God.

  Lucille couldn’t bear to sleep in her half-empty double bed, so begged Vic to switch beds with her. But that didn’t alleviate her pain or loneliness. She started with a few shots of whiskey before bed. It helped her sleep, at least for a few hours. But soon, a highball after work was soothing. And then another, while making dinner. The Martin household ran wild in an effort to escape the gaping wound left after Ed’s death.

  Vic got a job washing dishes at a local bakery where met his first serious girlfriend, Karen Zeolla. If Vic wasn’t working, he was with Karen. Jackie started babysitting and found a second family for refuge. If she wasn’t babysitting she distracted herself with music, food, and fantasy. Paul, desperate for attention, learned that if he was bold and obnoxious enough, he couldn’t be ignored. The dynamics of the family changed and dysfunction became the norm.

  At fourteen, Jackie was told by everyone that she looked like her dad. She had his shiny dark-brown hair that she wore shoulder length. Her almond-shaped caramel eyes were set off by her creamy complexion. She possessed a natural beauty anyone would envy. Yet she harbored so much anger. Not only did she lose her father, but her mother, after a few afternoon drinks, threw hostile fits if she wasn’t passed out on the couch. The anger she spewed at Jackie, and the retaliatory anger Jackie hurled back, spiraled Jackie’s self-esteem much lower than her unresolved grief alone.

  In high school, Jackie had friends but felt most comfortable on the sidelines, uninvolved and indifferent. She was haunted by a serious side of life that other kids her age didn’t grasp. Distrust and abandonment were her focus. High school, with its adolescent competition and social pressure, was not a place where Jackie thrived.

  1971

  When Jackie turned sixteen, Tara Manchester got her a job at Patty’s Donut Shop. She needed to help support herself and buried her worries in the fast-paced restaurant business. In addition to donuts and muffins, Patty’s served breakfast and lunch. It was a perfect weekend job.

  Since money was tight following Ed’s death, Jackie left parochial school in the eighth grade and entered public school. Tara and Jackie had become instant friends at Watertown Junior High. Tara was a fun-loving young woman, both confident and attractive. She was Jackie’s opposite in that she fully trusted life and in the goodness of most people. Jackie needed to learn that. Compassion ignited their friendship. Mutual fondness fostered it.

  Tara was petite with an adorable face framed by luxuriant brown shoulder-length hair with a few bouncy curls. If her appearance didn’t attract attention, her zest for life did. When Jackie spent time with Tara, she remembered that she was still a kid and not an emotionally overburdened adult at the age of fifteen.

  One day at the shop, Jackie noticed a tall, dark-haired young man with blue eyes in the swarm of patrons nudging their way to the donut counter.

  “Excuse me, can I get a dozen donuts please?” asked the next person in line. Her attention refocused, Jackie took the order. Finally, she took his order. She read the name embroidered on his dark-blue work shirt. Tony. As he left with his muffins and coffee, she was thankful that her racing pulse wasn’t visible.

  Tony started coming in earlier and sat at the counter ordering a full breakfast. Jackie bolted to wait on him. Soon they were exchanging banter and small talk, but it never went further.

  “I don’t get it,” Jackie told Tara. “We talk every time he comes in. He’s so easy to talk to and so funny. But he doesn’t ask me out. He never mentions a girlfriend. I don’t get it.”

  Well, he may be in a relationship—have a girlfriend or even be married, though he doesn’t wear a ring. Or he’s just being nice and not really interested. I think he’s interested, though. So I don’t know. As my mom says, there’s more fish in the sea.”

  But Jackie didn’t want any fish, she wanted this fish.

  Jackie started college, but continued to see Tony at her weekend shifts at Patty’s. Each time they met, she grew more enamored. Their conversations were effortless. The challenge was getting Prince Charming to ask her out.

  Within a few months, without warning, the owners of Patty’s decided to close the business.

  Chapter Three

  Tony

  Betrothed to a home-grown Italian woman, Louie Salvucci wasn’t interested in any other woman until he met Anna McCabe, a new co-worker. Louie resisted his attraction to her, respecting his engagement, but Anna won him over. Anna was not a naturally beautiful woman, but if Louie had been asked, he would have described her as seductive. Old-country values lost their significance to a riptide of desire. Louie broke off his engagement. After a brief courtship, despite Louie’s parents’ objection and embarrassment, Louie and Anna eloped.

  The newlyweds were in a rush to start the large family they had talked about, but Anna’s first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. The second attempt resulted in the stillbirth of a baby
girl they named Dominica, after Louie’s grandmother. Louie refused to try again as his love for his wife and fear of losing her far outweighed his desire for a child. Anna still wanted a child and pleaded with her husband.

  “Louie, I can’t live a protected life. I need to have a baby as I need to breathe. Please, let’s try again.”

  “We’ll adopt.”

  “I want our own baby, Louie. I want to look in the eyes of our child and see your eyes. Please. I know everything will be fine.”

  “Oh, you know? Dr. Erico warned of the possible complications due to your age. I couldn’t stand it if something happened to you or we lost another baby.”

  “Yes, my dearest, I do know,” Anna assured him. He looked into his wife’s eyes and was once again persuaded by her allure.

  Louie and Anna were married five years when the third conception occurred. The pregnancy was a miracle by all accounts, problem-free from conception through delivery. But, upon medical advice, a hysterectomy was performed following the birth of their son, Anthony James Salvucci.

  Anna and Louie anticipated their son’s every need, which produced an overprotected and pampered baby. Anna loved her son completely, but Louie’s utter devotion to his child became a point of marital contention.

  By the time Tony was a toddler, Anna understood that although Louie loved her, Tony mattered most. All conversations focused on Tony. He accompanied his parents everywhere. Even when Tony demanded to sleep in his parents’ bed, Louie acquiesced.

  “You’re creating a monster child,” Anna warned.

  “There’s no such thing as too much love.”

  Ah, but there is, Anna thought.

  *

  By age three, Tony was biting and hitting neighborhood children. Louie defended his son against Anna’s reprimands, declaring that Tony was protecting himself. Louie encouraged self-defense. Anna was rendered powerless and accepted that the relationship between father and son could not be rivaled.

  *

  Anna worried when Tony was caught cheating in junior high. Miss McShea sneaked up behind him in class and demanded both the exam sheet and the cheat notes. She informed Tony that his test would be marked zero. Tony cried to his father, relating his tall tale of injustice. Louie set off for a discussion to set that teacher straight.

  “Miss McShea, I insist you give Tony an A on his exam and apologize for embarrassing him and tearing up his test in front of his classmates.”

  Miss McShea was appalled by Louie’s demand. “Mr. Salvucci, I have the cheat notes right here in Tony’s handwriting. They are indisputable proof.”

  The teacher handed Louie the notes. Louie flung them back on her desk without even glancing at them.

  “I’m sorry Mr. Salvucci, your son cheated and the punishment for cheating is predictable and just.”

  “You talk about just! My son told me how you’ve mistreated him from the beginning of the year. You’re constantly harassing him. He’s such a great kid; he was trying hard to keep you off his back. But instead of being reasonable, you set him up to look like a cheater. Then you humiliated him in front of the whole class!”

  “That’s absurd, Mr. Salvucci. The fact is, your son thinks rules don’t apply to him. Your son was caught cheating and, as his teacher, I believe it’s important for him to know that the rules do apply to him.”

  “I know my son, lady. He doesn’t lie and he doesn’t cheat. I don’t care what you think you saw. I suggest reconsidering your decision.”

  “I’m sorry Mr. Salvucci, I won’t reconsider my decision. You’re doing your son a great disservice by allowing him to believe rules that apply to everyone else do not apply to him.”

  Louie left Miss McShea’s room fuming. He told Tony about the exchange and apologized for not being able to rectify the situation, but he promised his son that Miss McShea would pay. Three months later, Miss McShea went into the school parking lot to find all four tires slashed and her brown Ford Pinto spray painted with black stripes.

  *

  In the tenth grade, Tony tried out for varsity football but didn’t make the team. Louie catapulted to the school demanding that his son play on the team.

  “Mr. Salvucci, Tony doesn’t have the necessary skills to make the team this year. With some training though—” Coach Gallagher was cut off by Louie.

  “That’s absurd! My son is a top-notch player. He played every season in Pop Warner. He was an All-Star for Chrissake.”

  “Mr. Salvucci, he didn’t demonstrate that kind of talent in the tryouts.”

  “Then give him another chance.”

  “I can’t do that. The team’s been chosen and players have been notified. He can try again next year.”

  “I’ll take this up with the principal. This is an outrage! You don’t like my son. He told me how you treat him in gym class. I won’t let you get away with discriminating against him because he refuses to kiss your ass.”

  Louie stormed out of the coach’s office, slamming the door behind him. Louie’s next stop was the principal’s office, where he complained about the coach’s poor judgement to no avail.

  Furious, Louie called a cop friend who provided Louie with the coach’s home address. After midnight, Tony and Louie crept up to his silver Chevy pickup and poured sugar in the gas tank.

  *

  Tony worked part-time at the A&P Supermarket. Louie’s anger, provoked by Tony’s complaints about his manager scolding him for trivial things, reached a frenzy when Tony was fired.

  “No one fires my son! Louie’s scheming brown eyes danced. “We’ll take care of him, son. Don’t you worry.”

  Louie paid a friend one hundred dollars to pretend to be an irate customer, confront the manager, and complain to a higher-level manager with the goal of getting the offending manager fired. It worked like a charm. When Louie and Tony heard the news that the manager was fired, they laughed about his never knowing what hit him.

  1971

  Tony was an attractive adult, but beneath his handsome exterior was a wanton little boy secure in the understanding that Daddy would always rescue him should the world become too threatening.

  During his years at Bentley College, Tony sold Chevrolets at a dealership across the street from Patty’s Donut Shop. Although the shop lacked organization, the coffee and food were excellent. Tony’s typical breakfast was on the run, so he ordered a large coffee regular and two muffins—one corn and one coffee cake. One morning, Tony walked in and took his place at the back of the line, then noticed a girl at the display case waving him up to the front. “You’re all set,” she said. “That’ll be $2.79.”

  Looking around to make sure she was motioning to him, Tony moved to the front of the line. “Hey thanks,” he said, feeling his customary entitlement. As he took the bag, he noted the girl’s name tag—Jackie.

  Back at the showroom, he boasted about the special treatment from “this Jackie girl.” His fellow salesmen were jealous not only for the special treatment but because the general consensus was that this girl was hot.

  Each weekend following, Tony sat at the counter with a smile and a pleasant word for the girl named Jackie.

  He knew she had a crush on him. It was obvious. But he was dating someone at the time. Jackie was attractive, amusing, intelligent, honest, and too available. Tony liked a challenge. So he categorized her as a nice girl, but not his type.

  1972

  Just as Tony was beginning to look forward to seeing Jackie, he drove into Patty’s empty parking lot. What? They should be packed with cars. Then he noticed the large orange sign on the door. “Closed. Thanks for your patronage.” He returned to the showroom without coffee or muffins.

  “Guys, did you know Patty’s was closing?”

  “Nope, no warning,” said Sal, the sales manager. “Yesterday, same thing happened to me. Drove in and read the sign.”

  Ted, the business manager, sauntered into the salesroom. “Good morning guys!” Glimpsing Tony, he stopped. “Jesus, you look like you lost
your best friend.”

  “Huh. Oh, couldn’t get my coffee this morning. Patty’s closed.”

  “Ah, coffee shmoffee. You’re sad because you won’t be seeing your young hottie on the side anymore.”

  Ted snickered, slapping Tony’s back. “Yeah Tony, you’ve got that bombshell girlfriend and then you had that little hottie at the donut shop drooling all over you. You’re gonna miss that.”

  “You guys are crazy. It’s the coffee. I hate the crap we have here.” But Tony realized there’d be no more breakfasts at Patty’s. No more Jackie. I don’t even know her last name. It’s no big deal.

  Chapter Four

  1974

  Following high school graduation, Jackie entered Boston University with great excitement and a boatload of financial aid. She was delighted to leave high school and all its immaturity and naïveté. Liberal arts classes allowed her to explore sociology and psychology, which excited her. She was finding herself, her own voice.

  A part-time waitress job at The Stockyard, a popular steak and seafood restaurant, allowed her to support herself through college. The Massachusetts drinking age had recently been reduced to eighteen, allowing her to enjoy a lot of partying with her new work friends.

  Lucille’s siblings had gotten her into the treatment she needed to stop drinking. She too was finding a new normal. The Martin household was becoming peaceful. Jackie’s joy was stirring.

  *

  Two years had passed since she had last seen Tony. After working an early shift at The Stockyard, a group of waitresses decided to go carousing. One of the waitresses, Ellen Andrews, suggested Molly’s as the place of debauchery for this particular evening, because her boyfriend and his friends were going there. Molly’s was a nightclub in Kenmore Square that featured heavy metal rock and roll bands and attracted a rowdy crowd. Jackie wasn’t thrilled since she detested heavy metal, but she went along with the group.